We are going on a family vacation in a few weeks. Unfortunately, this year we are going to the beach. Don't get me wrong, I love the beach like a fat kid loves cake, but going to the beach means wearing a bathing suit…in public….surrounded by scores of toned, bronzed, beach bunnies that make me look like an albino sea lion that washed up on shore. I came up with several plans to alleviate some of my self loathing, but at this point, I know I'm doomed.
Plan A was "Distraction." I was going to invite people that looked FAR worse than I do so when strangers looked toward my group, their eyes would zoom in on the largest, whitest person in the group and I would kind of blend into the background. Unfortunately, Grant was the biggest, palest person I could come up with, and, though he is both pale and big, he does not have the 'ewwww' factor needed to draw attention away from the other big whities in the group, so Plan A was aborted.
Plan B was "Camouflage." Plan B meant bathing suit shopping. I'd rather get a gynecological exam simultaneously with a root canal than to shop for a bathing suit, but, like all things torturous, it must be done. I opted to order online from a company that allows easy returns so I could do all my crying and self-loathing at home in the privacy of my own bedroom and not in the dressing room at the store (which ALWAYS results in me in a heap on the floor and the sales lady bringing me tissues and calling security to get me out of the dressing room.) My stomach knotted up when I saw the UPS driver pull into the driveway, but I forged ahead. Bathing suit 1 was kind of an animal print with ruching and a tiny ruffle around the hem of the top and a sold black skirt. The description on the website said the print would camouflage, the ruching would hide rolls (or some politically correct word for rolls), the ruffle would help make my not there anymore tush look rounder, and the skirt would hide my little flap of skin that rubs together if I walk too much. Well. let me tell you, when I put this pig in that tutu, it was LOL hilarious. I looked like a bumble bee minus the stinger- moving on….Number 2 was gathered on the sides for extra belly room, same skirt, and a different pattern that promised to practically make me invisible on the beach. WRONG!! Note to bathing suit manufacturers- pay attention to the placement of pattern on a fat lady suit. One of the flower's center looked like a bulls eye directly pointing to my belly button. I'm talking big sunflower thing right in the middle of my Buddha belly that screamed 'LOOK AT THIS BIG BELLY!!!!"- moving on….Number 3 was same skirt (I'm liking the skirts, no visible leg flap or belly shed line) with a top with an A line for extra room for the belly. Well, it did give me belly room, but because my belly actually used the room, the top rode up in the front so I looked like the fat kid in a shirt a size too small- Finally, Number 4 was same skirt and the top had ruching and a black and brown pattern. When I got it on, from the front. it actually wasn't that bad. From the side was another matter because at that angle I kind of resembled a killer whale, but I figured if I laid on a dark towel and never turned sideways, this was the only one that was even an option. Plan B was a go.
I came up with a few other plans that I will try in case of emergency (like if Megan Fox pulls up a chair beside me). I am taking several cover-ups and have some sunburn colored makeup to fake my way back indoors. I think I may even pay Jake to pretend to drown if worse comes to worse. Oh, well, it is what it is, and, though I keep hearing my own version of Chris Farley's "Fat Man in a Little Coat" which goes more like "Fat Girl in a Little Suit," I figure after I drink a few cocktails and listen to the waves, in my mind Megan Fox won't have NOTHING on me!
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