Family Vacation Part 2- Faith and Family

I debated on writing this blog because it is not my usual light-hearted story, but I decided to tell you this story as part of my testimony.  Some people have asked why I would put all of my business on the internet.  For those of you who know me, you know that I live my life as an open book.  I may not be proud of all the things I have done, but I do own my mistakes because I have learned from them.  I don't believe I would be the person I am today without my past, good and bad, so here's my story.

To give you a little background, when I was pregnant with Jake, I was in a court battle with my ex-husband.  My oldest son chose to go and live with his dad and the court decided to give my ex-husband custody of both of my sons so they could stay together.  I had never been away from my children for more than a couple of days, so to say that my world imploded was an understatement.  I began having panic attacks and it was a chore to even get out of bed.  My middle son, Ben, was only 8 at the time, and would cry and beg to stay with me longer when he was at my house.  Every day was torture.  I turned my back on God and refused to go to church.  I could not understand why God would do this to me.  I had made big mistakes in my past, but for years I had been the good Christian I thought I needed to be, so why did He punish me by taking my children away?   I hated living.  I hated God.  I hated everything except my little miracle baby I carried in my womb.  But for my baby, I can't honestly say I would be here today.  I was so far in the darkness, I could not find the light.

One Sunday, Grant came in my room and forced me out of the bed and told me to get ready for church.  I cried, I begged, and I cursed him for making me go back there.  I hated God.  I hated church.  I never wanted to go back but he loaded me in the car anyway and off we went.  I sat in the pew crying and steaming mad as the pastor walked to the front.  He said that he had planned a sermon but he felt that he needed to show us this video instead.  The lights went off and a man appeared on the screen.  The man offered his testimony by sharing a story about his child.  They were a close, loving, Christian family at one time, but his daughter got caught up in the world and turned her back on him.  No matter what he did she was lost to them and to God.  He began using words that I thought only I used when talking about my relationship with God and my situation with my children- hate, shame, hurt, hopelessness, failure, confusion- As the words seeped into my brain and heart, my eyes went up to the screen.  This man was talking to me!  As his story went on, he shared that after having those feelings, he turned back to God and started praying for his daughter again.  He renewed his faith that God was in control and placed the fate of his family in His hands.  Lo and behold, it worked!  Years later, his daughter came back to him.  It was the prodigal son all over again.

By this time, tears poured down my cheeks.  God had sent this message for me.  God was trying to tell me that if I would trust in Him, He would make everything ok, but that it would be in His time and not mine.  I knew as surely as I knew my own name that God was slapping me upside my head and saying, "Get over it.  Pick yourself up and get on with your life and I will take care of the rest."  My heart felt warmed for the first time in weeks.  My soul felt light.  Grant, my mom, and I hit our knees and prayed right then and there for God to take over for us and in return, we would be faithful to Him and not question His plan.  Until that moment, I thought I was a Christian but I wasn't.  I had more faith in myself than I did in Him, but I tell you this, when all seems lost and you can't do anything else, THAT'S when true faith begins.  For me, it was like flipping a switch at that very moment.  I got up off my knees knowing God was in control.

Long story short, my oldest saw that the grass wasn't greener on the other side and came back a year later permanently.  My middle son visited back and forth until he was 15.  At 15 he refused to come back to my house and for 3 years, I rarely got to talk to him or see him.  Every birthday, holiday, etc. I would text him to no avail.  I'm not going to lie and say I didn't have my moments of breakdowns.  Some days were torture, but I never lost faith that God had a plan and that his plan was better than my plan every could be, and so I waited, and texted, and mailed cards for three years.  If your faith has never been tested, please hear this- God knows your heart.  Remain faithful even when you don't want to, even when you think it's a waste of time, even when everyone around you thinks you are crazy, remain faithful.  On Ben's 18th birthday, I sent him a text (he wouldn't usually answer my calls) wishing him a happy birthday.  To my surprise, he sent back and asked me to come out to his school and see him!  I had only seen him a few times over the last 3 years, so this seemed to be the miracle I had been praying for.  My mom, Jake, and I went and spent a few hours with him and it was probably the happiest moment I had with him since he was born.  I thought that the storm had passed and we were back on track, but that wasn't what happened.  For months after that, I rarely got a text and he never came around.  The old me would have freaked, but the new me knew just to stay the course because this was in God's time and not mine.

Now back to the vacation.  While we were in Jackson playing baseball, I sent Ben a picture of Jake as hind catcher.  That was Ben's position on his team and I wanted to show him his brother growing up in his footsteps.  I then sent him a text like I had hundreds of times before.  It simply read 'We are heading to PCB for vacation.  Wish you could come.'  I never expected the response I got, 'When are you going and I'll see if I can get off work."  Huh?  Did I read that right?  I read and reread, but the words didn't change.  I sent him the details still not believing that he would go.  The night before the rest of my family left Saltillo to meet us in PCB, he sent me a message, 'I got off, guess I'm going'  Seriously? Is this going to happen?  I called my brother and mother and told them they would have an extra passenger.  They were as skeptical as I was, but we all fixed our eyes on the faint light at the end of the tunnel and waited.

I didn't text my mom until around lunch the next day.  I was both excited and afraid to know if he actually came on the trip.  But when I received the text 'We have him' my heart exploded! My baby boy (That's still what I call him because he was my baby for 9 years before Jake.) was going on a 5 day vacation with me!!!  It was like old times, no awkward moments, no tension, just Benji and the family that missed him for what felt like a lifetime.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but through faith and prayer, I have those days with my child that I will hold close to my heart for the rest of my life.  If it is God's will, this was the first of many good times to come, but if not, I will remain faithful in my Christian walk and share my story of becoming a TRUE Christian after years of being a Christian as long as God did what I wanted him to do.