Grandmother's Potty Problems Part 2

On the second go-around with Grandmother and her potty doctor, I pulled into the driveway and found Grandmother waiting on the porch for me.  She opened the car door and threw a Walmart sack onto the console and climbed in.  She pointed to the bag and said, "They wanted a sample, so there it is.  It's solid, though, not water, but that's the best I could do."  Seriously?  Who knew that the cure for watery BMs was a trip to the potty doctor?  After a week of 'nothing BUT water', we have a hard one! Yeah, right, but away we went with a steaming pile perched on my console.  We got to the potty doctor and instead of taking her sample to the lab first, she sits it BESIDE ME in the chair along with her purse (which contained only her adult diaper, gum, kleenex, and her insurance cards) and told me, "Watch my sample and purse while I do my tests and I'll take my sample up before we go."  OMG!  This lady is on crack! She is leaving me with a pile of poo and a diaper to guard until she comes back?!  I definitely think I am cursed by now.  I mean, some voodoo doctor has put a little short and stout brown haired doll in a pile of poo and is laughing his butt off right now just thinking of the humiliation I am suffering at this moment.  

After an hour of me playing poo guard, Grandmother came back, gathered her things, and went to the lab to give her specimen to them.  I stared at the floor and prayed for invisibility until we got back in the car.  As I cranked the car, she told me to call IMA and cancel her appointment there because she had just been there 3 days before and didn't want to MAKE THE DOCTOR MAD FOR COMING WHEN NOTHING NEW WAS WRONG SINCE SHE WAS THERE 3 DAYS AGO!!  Yeah, it's perfectly fine to spend 2 days of my life in pursuit of Grandmother achieving a normal poo, watching Grandmother take poo tests, carrying poo in my car, guarding poo in a doctor's office for an hour, and describing poo to a doctor ONLY to find out that PEPTO BISMOL solved the poo problem days before I did all this?!  But alas, I smiled that tight-lipped 'If I knew I had enough WWJD Jesus points to be sure I had canceled out ALL my not so WWJD moments and I could get into Heaven but I'm not 100% sure so I'm going to be nice and hope I make it but all I REALLY want to do is cuss a blue streak and head for the nearest Mexican restaurant for a margarita' smile at her, dialed IMA, and canceled her appointment.  She was feeling so good, in fact, that I took her to Smith's Nursery for some 'real' tomatoes and cantaloupes (grocery store produce is a sad, tasteless version of the real thing), took her to Fred's, and then took her home so she could work in her yard.  Grandmother's sickness and healing was so instantly miraculous, it even made Benny Hinn go, "Dang, there's no way she was sick at healed that quick."  (Benny, I believe YOU can do that, but the poo doctor ain't no Benny Hinn hehehe so don't sue me please)  (Lord, please forgive me for lying to Benny but I don't want him to sue me so I had to lie.  I know you understand because you don't believe Benny heals either, so I hope we are ok, Amen).  I told her I loved her, she gave me a hug, and I waved goodbye as I pulled out of her driveway.  She is hard headed, high maintenance, and demanding, but I thank the good Lord every day he leaves her on this earth.  For 90 years, she gave her life to others, and if she has decided now that it's time for somebody else to give to her, it's the least I can do.  Maybe one of these days, I can get a halo to hang on my horns.