I just finished "13 Reasons Why" on Netflix. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a series about a 16 year old girl who commits suicide after being bullied and sexually assaulted by a classmate. I watched this movie to educate myself because I have a teen son. Instead, God got on my back and he won't get off until I tell my story. My story is going to be upsetting to some, so I'm giving you fair warning.
Ok, if you're still here, here it goes. In "13 Reasons Why", there is a popular athlete who sexually assaults multiple girls throughout the series. One of the girls goes to a school administrator who basically dismisses her, saying maybe she regretted it after the fact and maybe she needs to think of the consequences she might face if she told her story. For the girl, this is the last straw. She went home and slit her wrists. Here goes the hard part.... There was a "Bryce" at my school...and he assaulted me. There, I said it. I've hardly ever said those words to anyone. The first time I "told" was when I was in my mid twenties. I was at a party and a guy started talking to me. I smelled his beer breath and his cologne and all of a sudden the room shrunk and got really hot. I had a panic attack for the first time that night. I went to work the next day and told my best friend. She asked me if I'd ever been molested. I adamantly said no, and then it just popped out. "I was taken advantage of by my best friend's boyfriend once, though."
Then I sat back and waited on judgment. I mean, I had judged myself over a decade ago and declared myself guilty. Guilty of being stupid. Guilty of being drunk. Guilty of passing out in my own bed. Guilty of not waking up in time to say no. Guilty of not saying no when I realized what was happening. Guilty of never telling a soul. My friend just looked at me and wrapped her arms around me. She rubbed my hair. She told me it wasn't my fault. At that moment, although I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders, I still felt like she just said all those things because she was my best friend. She knew me. She loved me. But in my heart I knew that no one else would feel like her if they knew. I pushed my guilt back down and didn't speak of it again until after Grant and I married. After too much to drink one night, while we were sharing secrets only couples share, I told him. He knew "Bryce." They had played sports together. Grant wasn't surprised. Grant didn't judge. Grant, though he didn't blame me, was much like most people, myself included, who just chalked it up to too much alcohol and bad decisions. Again, the subject was dropped.
When my children became teens, my need to protect was more overpowering than my shame. Each child, as I felt they were old enough, got to hear my story. My daughter, nieces, and their friends have heard it more than once. After watching "13 Reasons" God got on me to share my story with you. See, I know many of my friends have teens. Most of my friends will never share their stories with their teens, even if they had a "Bryce" in their past too. So, I will share mine in hopes that you will share my story with them.
My parents went out of town, and being the typical teen, I decided to have a party at my house. People were in and out as the night went on, but the core group was my boyfriend, me, my best friend, and her boyfriend. The guys were also good friends as well, so we had the perfect "double date" couple to run around with. Booze was everywhere, and I drank too much. Some of the guys decided to make a beer run before the store closed. I felt too sick to keep drinking, so I decided to just go to my room and pass out. I went in my room and closed my door and the others loaded up to go. At the last minute, "Bryce" decided someone needed to stay with me, so he got out and everyone else left. Now, I knew none of that until much later because I was passed out smooth in my bed. The next thing I remembered was opening my eyes and seeing "Bryce" above me. I was confused. I couldn't figure out what he was doing. I couldn't wake up enough to comprehend anything, except something seemed wrong. I remember saying, "We shouldn't do this," or "We can't do this," or something like that. I didn't say no. I still don't know why I didn't say no. I remember just thinking "This is wrong." That is all I remember thinking. Then I remember passing out again. I woke up again and he was wiping the sweat off his face. Then I watched him walk out the door. I heard the outside door open and voices. Then I realized I no longer had on the jeans I had on when I laid down. I panicked. I jumped under the covers and pretended I was asleep when my best friend and boyfriend came in to check on me. Then I passed out again.
The next morning, I started trying to fill in the blanks in my memory. All I remembered was his face, and him wiping his face, the rest was blank. I started questioning myself. Did I do something to make him think I wanted him to do that? Did I flirt too much? Did I wear my jeans too tight? Why didn't I say no and hit him? I must've asked for it in some way because I never said no. Then I started to freak out. What if my boyfriend found out? Would he fight him or blame me? I thought the same thing about my best friend. She would blame me for sure. After all, I had told her he was cute. She would think I was trying to steal him from her. My boyfriend would dump me and he was such a great guy. My mind was made up just like that. I would just act like nothing happened. I really didn't know for sure anything did, so I will just go with that. I will let it go and go on with my life. Lesson learned. That is what I get for being stupid.
I went to school and sat at the lunch table with him. I waited with his girlfriend for him to meet her after school. We double dated. He never even acted like anything had happened between us. Maybe I just imagined it all. Maybe I was just blowing it all out of proportion. Life went on. In the way down deep part of my mind it was still there, but I never allowed it to come out. He graduated and was out of mind. Then he got in some trouble with the law. I went to church with a friend and he was there. He came up to me after service and said he found Jesus and was sorry for what happened between us. Then I knew. I knew for sure then that what I always knew but refused to acknowledge was true. He saw me, passed out, alone, vulnerable, and he raped me. He raped me in my house, in my bed, while our sweethearts were going for beer. I just nodded and walked away. I think I was in shock. All those years I questioned what happened and there it was.
Years later he committed another crime, a crime against a woman, a crime he committed under the influence of drugs, a very violent crime, and karma paid him a visit. He spent many years in prison and I was glad. I was glad for myself and for the other girls I am sure he assaulted but they never told either. I was glad he would be where maybe he would be used by someone stronger, and he would just have to take it and keep his mouth shut after. Maybe, just maybe, he will remember all the people he hurt and accept the life karma gave him for that. I don't think he will feel sorry for us, maybe for himself but not us. But that is ok too. I've made peace within myself. I am flawed, but I am not broken. He didn't break me.
I am still embarrassed to admit my shame. I even called one of my best friends and told her about "13 Reasons" and that I wanted her to watch it and talk to her daughter about it. God was on my back to tell her my story, but I couldn't. Why, after 20 years, can I not speak of this. I've only mentioned it by accident to my mother recently and dismissed it when she questioned me. I've never told my daddy. I've never told any of my high school friends. I don't really have friends from school. I think I distanced myself from all things related to my life during that time as soon as I could. Now, I'm writing it all down for the world to see. I still want to delete the whole thing, but I know God won't get off my back until I confess.
I only share my dirty secret with you so you will share a few tips I shared with my own children in hopes that just one girl won't have to carry this shame:
1. Always use the buddy system. Never go to the bathroom, bedroom, or in a car with a guy alone if you have been drinking. No exceptions.
2. Never assume a guy is safe. Cute guys, popular guys, guys with money, they all can be predators.
3. If you go in a bathroom, bedroom, etc. away from the group LOCK THE DOOR. No exceptions.
4. Guys, never be alone with a girl if you've been drinking. Your judgment is not good and your guard is down. She may not say no even if she doesn't want to be with you. Keeping a third person there will keep you from getting accused of something or will keep you from doing something to cause a girl shame later.
5. Guys, if you wouldn't want it done to your sister, don't do it to another girl. No matter what she says. No exceptions. This includes pictures, videos, and physical contact.
6. If something happens, even if your parents will be upset, even if you aren't sure what part you played in it, tell an adult what happened and let them help you sort it out. Always remember, you will be ok.
At the end of the day, please make sure your child knows they are loved. Whether they are the potential predator or prey, they are loved. You are there to guide them. You are there to listen. You aren't there to judge. You made mistakes and they will too. It's part of growing up. We all have to learn. I just hope and pray that nobody else has to learn the hard way like I did.
